Oh Fxxx, Come On!
by Sidviscous
Summary: Saria makes all the Kokiry sexy teens, Gannon is a nice guy, Ruto stopped being a spas, Malon is a sexy Diva, Zelda is caught making out with a... , and Link and Co are sent to the past! Enjoy!
1. The Hylian Ball Part1

Just Corey: Okay, I'm overhauling all my writing, so this is going to be a different version from when it was first out. Also the title in the selection screen is going to be a bit more censored. Anyway, here's the revised edition of my first chapter.

**Oh Fuck, Come On!**

The Hylian ball part 1 

**-Link-**

Link was sitting in his house, shinning his sword. He didn't have much to do these a days. He really needed to kill, or at least decimate, something. His hacking arm was getting a little twitchy. He looked in the mirror, then to a suit hung in his closet, and finally to a no longer sealed envelope.

He sighed and breathed inward deeply. He stood up and walked towards his desk and looked over the contents of the envelope.

"Hey Link, um, my father is throwing a huge ball for the nobles and people. So I'm allowed to invite a few guests. Anyway, you, Saria, Malon, and Ruto are invited. Ha, so yeah. I hope you can come. Oh right, it's the night of the lunar eclipse, and the summer solstice, and the alignment of the planets. Ha, I wonder if some crazy magic is going to happen. I asked the head of our library and he said that this wouldn't happen again for another fifty years. I hope you can make it cutie."

He sighed again. Being nineteen, at least he looked nineteen, he wasn't a newcomer to attraction. However, it wasn't until recently that he noticed it.

**-Saria-**

Saria looked in her mirror. She now lived inside the temple in her meadow. On her desk lay a book that had become her best friend. Being one of the seers, she had amazing magical power. And with this book, she'd found out how to harness it, for more fun things then world peace. It was titled "Paranguanin boodantin," translation, "A mages guide to her appearance." As everyone knows, all Kokiry stay children for the length of their lives. Well as it might be, she found and altar in the basement of her temple, and spent many days deciphering the runes on it.

Now, as it turns out, this altar was a damn powerful object. She back tracked for it in the lore in the library, and found a just a touch more than she thought she would.

That touch took the form of over fifty books written by the sage of a few millennia ago. Anyway, the books doctrine the sages life, from the moment she became the sage, to the day of her death.

Now, I could go into detail, but you'd be bored out of your fucking minds, so I'm not going to. Point laid aside, she came to a part where it told the story of how the sage had fallen in love with a hylian. As it would turn out, they married, and lived together for many years. But, as all things, it came to an end. For all those here less intelligent then most, he died.

The sage couldn't handle the heartbreak, and set out to construct the altar. In this altar, she poured all her magic, and elemental power. Nearly dead, she cast one final spell, and the enchantments burst to life. She died, and her body melted into a sea of green sparks, and floated upon a breeze out of the temple, and for each one, a plant named the bleeding sprouted.

Basically this altar controlled the maximum age of the Kokiry. Not actual age, just appearance wise. The sage had made it to keep the Kokiry looking like children, so they would never suffer the same heartbreak she did.

Now, our little Saria would have none of that. So, after much research, she had managed to concoct a spell that would set the Kokiry to age well into their teenage years.

Basically, she had granted the Kokiry the ultimate form of eternal youth. Just old enough to experience the mature side of life, to have hormones, date and just young enough to not look like an ugly old fart. So, it was party time, all the time. People banging each other, drugs, booze

No I'm totally kidding. Life proceeded as usually in the Kokiry forest, besides the fact that the guys now had trouble keeping eye contact with the girls. Saria had a lot of fun setting the physical characteristics of the Kokiry.

At one point she was going to give everyone three arms.

That was what the book was for. So now all the girls had become, rather um Heavy set. SHE DIDN'T KNOW BETTER. And they were all slim. Little did she know, that after she told Link about the shrine, and after much coercions from the guys, he snuck in over night, to change something about the Male half of the Kokiry. Now being teenagers, they were happy as hell. Back to the story….

Saria got up, and walked over to the closet at the back of her room. She took a rather gorgeous dress off a hanger. She walked over to her bed, and began to strip down.

**-Link-**

Saria, she'd been his best friend for over eighty years. Being raised as a Kokiry, he was privileged to their longer then average life span. And until the shrine, he never really gave it much thought. She had always been just Saria. He knew she always considered him her friend.

Saria. She came dashing into his house one day, while he was taking a shower. She was wearing extremely tight clothing, because she had just perfected the way she wanted the Kokiry to look and well, she didn't know better yet and she wasn't in possession of any normal fitting clothes. Of course, he didn't know it was her, and since nothing but demons could come into the Kokiry forest, besides Kokiry, he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. Jumping out of his palisade shower. He grabbed the master sword, and lunged from the corner of the room at the blushing demon.

She screamed, he recognized her voice and pulled his sword of to the side. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop his lunge, so he went crashing into her, and she fell unconscious. So did he.

He woke up an hour later, and his head hurt like hell. He opened his eyes, but still only saw pitch black. That's when he realized his face was under a lot of pressure. He pulled his neck back, and heard a large sucking noise. Looking down, he saw a large indent between the woman's…. Breasts. Tick, tick, tic… CLICK.

"GAH!!" He pulled back, and began to blush like crazy. He looked at her face, and she looked like she wasn't waking up anytime soon. He scampered off to the closet, and pulled on a pair of boxers so fast, you wouldn't have seen his arms move.

That's when everything sort of clicked… again…

"**OH FUCK COME ON!"**

Link sighed. He just had to be so quick about making decisions didn't he? Bending over and picking Saria up, he moved her into his bed. As he picked her up, a sort of shock ran through his skin, and he felt like he was being sapped of energy. He moved her head on top of his pillow, and then he collapsed into the bed beside her.

He dreamt of a moonlit meadow, the scent of ivy in the air, with a musky scent added to it. A carnal feeling was in the air. He just sat there, un-moving, enjoying the feeling.

**- Link…again-**

Link sighed. He woke up the next day, partly intertwined with the young woman on his bed.

She smelled like sweet fruit, and then he remembered what happened. Well most of it anyway. His mind had erased to sucking moment, out of sheer embarrassment.

He face was facing towards hers and his arm was draped over her side. He didn't remember who she was just yet but he did notice that he was wearing only his boxers and she was in extremely tight clothing. Which led his semi conscious mind on a bit of a jaunt.

He got up slowly, and made his way to his dresser and pulled out a pair of black jeans, a dark green shirt, along with a black vest. He got dressed, trying to remember who it was on his bed.

As he turned to look back at the woman, he noticed that one of her eyes were open. He slowly made moved back to his bed, and sat down beside her. He looked at her, and she looked back at him, now with both eyes.

"What happened?" She asked.

At the sound of her voice, he remembered who she was. He smiled. Well that ruled out her being a demon.

"You hit your head," Link replied, slowly wording it in a soft way, so as not to disturb her semi-slumber, "I was taking care of you."

"Wait…" She said slowly piecing the story and what she remembered together, " Link. I'm sorry for walking in on you."

Link smiled warmly. Its true. She did walk in without knocking, but everything was fine, so he didn't care.

"Hey, its okay. You didn't know I was taking a shower," He said in a cheery whisper, "Why did you come anyway?"

"Oh!"

"What?" he asked curiously?

"Oh no!" Saria said, and tried to get up. Her muscles buckled under her half way, but Link caught her.

"What?" He repeated.

" I was coming over for two things," She said, while propping herself against the side of the bedstead. She looked at him with a small smile and continued, " I set the permanent age for the Kokiry this morning. I was coming over to tell you. When I saw the steam coming out of your house, I figured you had set fire to your food again. So I climbed up and ran in."

" That would explain the bursting in, " Link said smiling, " But why did you want to see me?"

"I wanted to tell you that you might feel a little sick. When I reset the final version of the Kokiry, the growth took place, and gaining two or three feet in height, along with other things," She looked at her chest, " Was going to put a lot of stress on our bodies."

"Oh… what about the others?"

"That's what I'm so concerned about. I was coming over to tell you first, then the others." She said, trying to get up again. She failed. This time Link sat down and held her sitting upright, " Thanks. I was going to tell the others not to leave their houses for the rest of the day, for when they collapse. But I guess I passed out too soon."

"Yeah, you passed out from the exhaustion…"

"Link, I'm really tired. Can you go make sure the others are okay?"

"Okay but just a second. What was the other reason you wanted to come over?"

"I wanted to ask you if you could get me some new clothes from the city. That and…" Her breathing had slowed and her eyes had closed. She leaned back and slackened into his body. Her face looked tired, yet it had a peaceful glow to it. Her hair brushed up against him, and the scent of Ivy filled him.

Link placed her back onto his bed, and placed a blanket on top of her. He walked to his door, and took one last glance to make sure she was fine, and went down to see how the others were.

Mido was lying face down in a pile of cow dung, but the others were fine. Link carried them all to their homes and put them in their beds. Mido he left there, as a professional curtsey.

**-Saria-**

Saria was getting dressed for the ball. Since that time in Link's house three months ago, and an introduction to Malon, Zelda and Ruto, she had started to become a more rambunctious person. They had taken her clothes shopping after she removed the enchantment that kept the Kokiry from leaving the forest.

Saria learned how to dress attractively without looking over revealing. Ironically, it was Ruto who told her not to wear extremely tight and ill covering clothes. Ruto doesn't wear anything, so the entire group of girls burst out laughing when Ruto first brought this up.

Saria was instructed in the use of a bra, along with certain sanitary items. She was shown make-up, though she rarely wore it. She basically became a teenage girl. In the space of three days.

And here she was, getting ready for the most regal event in Hyrule. After applying make up, and getting into her dress, doing her hair and adding perfume, she left her room.

She walked out of the temple, which now had a staircase, thanks to Link. At the base of the stairs lay a waiting Link, clad in a formal suit, along with a horse drawn carriage, Epona leading the group.

" Oh. Its beautiful." She said walking up to Link.

Link smiled warmly, and opened the door for her to enter. She stepped in, and was followed by Link. Link signaled to the coach man, and the carriage took off.

"Ha, I didn't figure you'd want to walk to the castle in your dress, or walk that far at all, so I arranged a little transportation." He said coyly. His eyes absorbed her figure, and along with her gorgeous flowing hair.

"You know me too well Link."

"Pretty much."

"Nice suit by the way. Very sliming." She said with a tiny tint of red creeping up on her cheeks. Link didn't notice, he thought she was wearing some blush.

"Thanks. Your dress is gorgeous. But on you, gorgeous doesn't do it justice ." He said with a wink.

She gave a modest smile. She didn't find herself too attractive, and it was nice to hear it coming from others. Especially Link. He had seen the entire world hadn't he? He red tint had grow to a smoldering ember red.

This link noticed, and he lowered one of the windows to the coach slightly. The smell of field flowers filled the carriage. It mixed with the scent of Saria's perfume, and made an intoxicating aroma one would kill to smell. Link sat there, simply looking out the window, and enjoying the view and scent.

Saria was a little uncomfortable. Happy but uncomfortable. Luckily it didn't last, because the carriage was slowing down. The carriage stopped, and Link opened the door, holding out his hand to help her out.

She took a deep breath, and stepped out his her hand is his, onto the castle steps. A lavish carpet was lying along the steps, and at the top was Zelda, greeting guests.

Link and Saria looked at each other, and started up the steps.

**-ME-**

**Just Corey: Okay, there's what I should have posted when I first made this story. This is part one of the Hylian Ball chapter. I'd like to get at least 10 reviews before I continue, because I don't have the spare time anymore to write a lot, so I just want to make sure someone is actually reading. Besides, feedback on my writing is always helpful. Thanks.**


	2. The Hylian Ball Part 2

Just Corey: Well, I'm finally getting spare time so I figured I would write. I've given up on Finally, I'm going to take it down and re-write it, then repost it. Ill keep it up, but I won't be updating. Anyway, on to the second half of the Hylian Ball chapter.

**Oh Fuck, Come On!**

The Hylian Ball Part 2 

Link and Saria made their way slowly up the steps. Zelda didn't notice them until link waved his hand in her face.

(Just Corey: Okay, I guess I should be describing things, but then I get carried away. Anyway, If you get bored in the next few paragraphs, just skip ahead to the part where the go to a table. I'll tell you when the description starts.)

Zelda snapped her head up with a shock, " Ahhhhh!"

Link grinned and bowed, " The representatives from the hidden forest are here to inform you of our arrival."

Zelda Punched Link playfully and looked at him with a serious stare, " I do not appreciate your antics, Mr. Link. Now please, go on inside, and have fun with the other guests."

Link looked at her, his grin slowly disappeared, then came back. He looked at her in a mocking glance and said, " Oh! Zelda is trying to be a serious hard ass. Come Zelda, you're not going to stay here all night are you? Come join ze' partey' vith' us your highness."

Zelda look at him. Her eyes slowly softened, and she put her hand up to her mouth. No sound came, but slowly tears began to build up near her eyes. She stopped holding it in and burst out into a fit of giggles. She lost her balance and toppled onto the floor.

"Calm down spas, your going to choke!" Link said while grinning and leaning down to help her up. A group of people walking by looked at them funny.

"Enjoy the party!" Yelled between laughing. Saria was holding her hand to her mouth and laughing inside her throat. Zelda looked like a drunk after Christmas.

"Ve' sall" Said the man in a snobbish tone. Zelda burst out laughing again when she heard his accent. Link was looking at her funny now. She took his hand and pulled herself up, with some help.

"Calm down, it really wasn't that funny." Link said in her ear.

"I know, but I actually was going to standing out here all night greeting these French snobs." She said in his ear. He laughed. And backed away, to stand next to Saria again.

"Oh, well I mean, if you'd rather be a doorwoman, then by all means…"

"Shut up Link!"

"Oh Zelda, Links kidding. Lighten up a bit. It's a party." Came a voice from behind them. Long red tresses emerged from the door way to the castle. Malon walked out, clad in a white and gold dress. ( A gift from Zelda, for being one of her Three only friends)

( Just Corey: Okay, I'm going to start describing their outfits now, then the ball room. So, try to stay awake, and if your about to pass out, then skip ahead to where my next author's comment."

At this point, Link stopped to take in just how beautiful his companions looked.

Zelda was wearing a pale pink and mauve dress, that went down to her knees, and open slightly on the sides, to show off parts of her legs. Her top was cut in a V just where her chest began. Being the least, exuberant, of the group, she tried to show a little more to be equal with the others.

Her eyes were shadowed in a smoky purple hew, and her lips held a light pink lipstick. Her face had a light hew to it, which hinted to cover-up, and her cheeks had a more then normal pink to them, which Link guessed was blush. A light purple eyeliner could be made out from her eyes. Her gold circlet was in place a usual, and she wore a gold and silver necklace.

Link then moved on to Malon.

Malon, clad I her cold, crisp white and gold dress, looked like a (Sexy) diva. Hey hair had a shine to it, of that it had been recently washed conditioned, and fanned dry. She wore a gold lipstick, and a light mango, gold eye shadow. She had a pair of white gloves on, and a red ruby necklace that matched her eyes.

Her gown was tight cut at the top, her father's anxieties, and her red hear glide down her back to meet her at her waist. Pair of white, and gold-laced heels bedecked her feet.

Finally, he looked a Saria.

Although she hadn't been a teenager for long, she sure knew the more, mature points of dressing one's self. Link was amazed at the sheer simplicity of her gown. It was a simple silken green, and flowed down to her waist, which was wrapped in an emerald sash. Her hair was done up in a loose fitting bun, that let part of it fall out into a pony tail halfway down her back , and had two strands go by the front of her face, framing it in her classic look.

The lower portion of her dress opened at the sides halfway down, to show off her beautiful legs. Its cut finished at her knees. (Zelda's idea.) She wore a pair of Kokiri sandals, with green straps. The top half of her gown, or kimono, was down the front, and had a simply design of ivy sewn into it. They converged at the back to form a emerald wreathed in ivy and roses. Her Kimono was bound tight, in the top half, to cover her heavier onset…

That's when Link realized he was ogling.

A giggling Zelda was slowly writing something down for Malon.

" How long till he snaps out of it, you figure?"

Malon wrote something back,

" Umm, I'm guessing three minutes."

That's when Link snapped his head up, and to his internal shame, noticed a sliver of saliva at the edge of his mouth. Saria was blushing as red as the roses on her Kimono, staring away.

Link looked around at his scene. Sighing at his own stupidity, he walked into the castle. Zelda and Malon followed, but Saria stayed outside.

Malon ran out and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her into the castle.

Link leaned against a table, while Malon and Zelda were coveting Saria off in a corner. She looked a little distressed, but mostly confused.

(Ah the problems caused by ogling, the man's most evident weakness.)

" What was he looking at?" She asked, slightly confused.

Malon put her hands on Saria's shoulders, and looked at her, " Saria, why do you look ashamed? He's never done that to us."

" Exactly, what did I do?"

Zelda popped in here, " You look hot. Like really hot!"

" What's looking hot?"

Zelda and Malon almost fell over, " You don't know what hot is?"

" Its when something's been heated for a long period."

"Ung! Saria, it's slang for attractive! Guys look at women like that when they think they look really good. Did he compliment you today?"

" Well yes, but I don't see…"

"Own it," Zelda said twirling her hair a passing guy. He fell down, " And how do you not know what hot is!?! Don't you have the book?"

"You mean the volume you gave me?"

" Yes!" They both yelled at once.

"But, its just he's never looked at me like that before. I've never been looked at like that before."

Malon sighed and pat Saria on the shoulders, "Saria, calm down. I'd kill to have Link look at me like that, even if for only for…," She turned to Zelda, who clued in and pulled a little vile out of her pocket, " Twenty three seconds." She said, finishing Malon's sentence.

"Besides, guys do that all the time, Link just happened to lose himself. Expect it, and own it."

Saria put on a calm face, but didn't feel reassured. Never the less, she calmed down and walked back over to the table with them.

Link looked up from the floor, and saw them coming. Not wanting to be around right then, he said, " I'm going to get drinks. What do you guys want?"

"Guys?" Malon said, playfully offended.

"Fine, what would you ladies like?"

" Good dog. I'll have a scotch on the rocks, I don't care how early it is."

" A glass of Champaign," Zelda quipped in, " And Saria will have a sake. And wait, I'll come with you."

"Okay." Link said before walking off towards the bar. Zelda followed after winking at Malon and giving her a, "I'm gonna kill him." Look.

**-Link, Zelda-**

Link walked up to the barkeep, and put out the orders. While he waited, Zelda came up to him.

" Link. What was that? I don't think you've ever ogled that long."

Link turned a shade of crimson, and said, "Shut up okay."

"Hey, relax. I'm saying, you freaked her out a little. Okay a lot, but still Link. She's been a teenager for three months. Control yourself. She doesn't understand all the aspects of being older, so don't mess her up yet."

"I know. It just sort of happened. I didn't even realize I was doing it."

"That's not the only thing. You looked a little hungry."

"I am hungry, I planned to gorge myself on the food here."

"No Link. Not that way…"

"Zelda! It's Saria. I don't feel that way about her. Bye Din, don't say stuff like that," he said taking the Champaign the bartender gave to him. He handed it to Zelda,

" And besides, it's not like you should talk." He said casually pointing at the drum player Zelda was checking out.

Zelda punched him, swing down style, "shut up!"

Link smirked, "Hypocrite."

**-Saria, Malon-**

Saria was sitting down at the table, looking a little jittery. Malon sat in front of her.

"Relax okay. Tonight's a night to have fun. Link's just being playful, in his own retarded way."

"I know, but its just that…"

"No buts. Now go find a guy to dance with."

As if on cue, a young man of around twenty came up and asked her to dance, "Excuse me miss, can I take your arm in this next dance?"

Malon shoved her under the table, and Saria looked at her. She shoved her again, and Saria got the message. She stood up, and letting out a deep breath and said, "I'd love that."

Malon watched as Saria walked off, and couldn't help notice a glint in the man's eyes. Something mischievous. Something cutely mischievous.

Saria was pulled lightly onto the dance floor, and she turned to face the young man before her.

"I never caught your name." He said smiling, while lifting up her hands to begin a dance. The music began, and she was lurched into a spin.

"Saria," She said, trying to keep up, "And yours?"

"Damion. My parents are over with the king, discussing Nayru only knows what."

They continued to dance for about two minutes.

**-Link, Malon, Zelda-**

Link made his way back to the table, trying not to drop the drink he was carrying.

" Hey, where's Saria?" He asked, before taking a seat next to Malon. Zelda came up and told them she would be back in ten minutes.

"Alright, just don't die on us." Malon teased as Zelda walked off.

"Malon, where's Saria. I want to apologize about before."

Malon looked up at Link and was about to speak when a large splash erupted from the middle of the room. Water flied out of the fountain, and the Zora appeared from its liquid depths.

Some of the party go-errs were out raged that they're outfits were ruined, others were upset, but mostly everyone joined into the slick frolicky fun.

As the crowd converged towards the middle of the room, Link got a glimpse of Saria, dancing with a guy whose hand was straying down her back. Link stood up and took Malon's hand.

"Come on. Were going dancing." He said pulling her onto the dance floor.

"Huh?"

He faced her looking into her eyes and said, "That guy's a perve. We're helping Saria out. That and I need to talk to her."

"Um, no…." She was cut off as a new song began. Link moved them towards Saria, and kept a closer watch on her.

Near the end of the song Link saw the mans hand stray a little lower, until finally, "Gnah!"

A hi pitched squeak was heard from Saria, and the song ended. Malon looked at Link, and they both moved towards the pair. Damion Looked and saw them coming, and they flawlessly traded dance partners.

Malon mouthed a, "You owe me fairy boy!"

Link looked at Saria. Her eyes were distant, and off place. A slow dance started, and Link pulled her closer in for the proper steps. He whispered into her ear, "Saria, are you okay?"

A tear slid down her face, and link pulled her a little closer.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I was out of line." She put her head on his shoulder, and let out a little sniff.

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." He said. She slowly answered him,

"Its not that Link. It's that ever since I changed the stupid shrine, everyone has been treating me differently. Even you. I mean I know your trying not to, but its just such a sudden change. I guess I can't really handle all this in one night." She said, before continuing her silent crying.

Link could feel her head shuddering on his shoulder, and he felt a large pang of guilt in his stomach.

"Its okay. Everything is fine," He said. She relaxed to his voice, and her body melted into his for the rest of the dance. Somewhere near the end, Link lifted her face so he could see her eyes. They were focused on him, "As long as I'm here, no one will hurt you. I'm your best friend, and I'll make sure of it. Besides, when have I ever broken a promise?"

She smiled, and he led her off to the table where a now waiting Zelda sat.

"I need to go talk to Malon. I'll be back in a few minutes."

He mouthed something to Zelda, and went back onto the dance floor. The slow dance had ended seconds earlier, and the band was about to play a new one. Link found Malon, and invited her to dance… again.

Damion said his goodbyes and walked into the crowd.

Malon looked smartly at Link, a faint smirk on her lips, "I'm going to kill you!" She said quietly.

The music started, and much to Malon's dismay, it was tango music.

Link grinned and said equally quietly, "We'll see after this."

Before Malon could say anything else, Link pulled her into the quick paced moves of the dance. Malon seemed to know what she was doing, but lost focus as Link spiraled and twisted faster and harder.

She kept pace, but was running out of breath. She began to sweat, as Link put her through more and more intricate moves and steps. (I don't know anything about dancing. Sigh.)

Finally the music stopped. Malon was panting, and looked up at link.

He raised an eyebrow, and smiled coyly, "Now what was this about you wanting to kill something?"

Between gasps for air, she punched him in the side and said between flustered lips, "Go…pant…die…pant…Link…pant!"

Link chuckled and led her off the dance square, to a laughing Zelda, and a smiling and consoled Saria.

Saria looked happier and had a small giggle going in her throat. Zelda on the other hand was, well, about to break the table she was hitting it so hard. She was about to smash her fist against the table again, when a blue, webbed hand reached over and held it fast.

A blue head popped in front of Link and screamed, "LINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ruto pounced on him. And gave him a huge hug, " Cough… Joking…not breathing…"

She didn't seem to notice, and kept crushing him. Malon began to pull her off, or at least tried to. Another pair of blue hands wrapped around Ruto's sides, and squeezed slightly, and then backed up as Ruto Spased.

She jumped into the air and spun around, "Mateo!"

The Zora Laughed. He smiled curtly, and turned to the others, "Hi, my name's well, I guess you know, Mateo. I'm Ruto's date, though I doubt you caught that."

"Mateo! It was supposed to be a surprise. Ung, gneh!" She yelled as he wrapped his arms around her neck in a hug

"Whatever you say." He said shrugging.

Zelda stood up and clapped her hands together, "Alright, now that everyone's here, we can go to my sexy party over at the cathedral," said pointing out the window to the now decorated cathedral. Just then, the band began it next number, and Toybox appeared on the stage. They began playing the beat for "The Sailor Song", "Right after this song."

They danced some more, and at one point Malon bumped into Damion again. Being the ever-polite pervert, he discreetly peeked down her shirt while he helped her up.

When the song was over, they made their way toward the entryway.

Much frolicking went on, and at one point Link got Wedgied by Zelda and Malon.

"Nice Boxer's" They yelled while they ran off chasing him.

Saria giggled a little, and remembered when she gave Link those exact boxers. In fact, he'd been wearing them when she had walked in on him. They were green with little bunny heads. So cutesy.

Link cried, "My pride…"

Saria laughed and gave him a come from behind hug, "Shut up Link, you know you like them."

Link turned Crimson and just kept his mouth shut as they walked the rest of the way to the cathedral.

Once inside, they gorged on real food, and listened to a private group that Zelda go hold of. After a while, and many martinis later, Ruto and Mateo decided to go for a dip. Malon was drunk, and Zelda was helping her out of the room and into a bed down stairs.

The band had left, hours ago, and only the sound from the concert band in the castle. Saria and Link were sitting at a table.

(Yet again…) Slow music began to play. For a minute, nothing happened, and finally…

"Hey, want to dance?" Link asked, popping his head up from his drink. Saria looked at him funny, with a pink blush across her face from all the alcohol, "I mean that last dance we had wasn't exactly the most fun…"

Smiled, gave a happy sigh and stood up. Link, being a little less tipsy, beat her, and held his hand out to help her the rest of the way. The music kept playing, (I'm running out of ideas.) and they began to dance.

Nothing fancy or complicated. Just simple swaying from side to side in the room.

"You really do look beautiful tonight." Link said looking at the moon through the window off to their right.

"Thanks." She said, her blush deepening slightly.

They continued swaying slowly and their movements became more exaggerated, and they toppled over onto each other.

Link lay on top of her, not really processing much of what was happening. Neither was Saria.

"This is a little compromising…"

"Yeah…"

"So…"

"Um…"

Link began moving his head down, and Saria was starting to close her eyes. Just before they made contact, Zelda walked back in.

"Hey are you guys okay….?"

Malon popped her head out from around they wall.

"HEY. ARE YOU TWO MAKING OUT?"

Link blushed deeply, and swallowed. Saria unconsciously sighed.

"No Malon, we just fell." Link said. Saria made a little squeak, but Link didn't hear. Link stood up and held his hand out for her. She stalled for a moment, and accepted it.

Ruto and Mateo burst into the room, each a shade of crimson, and panting heavily.

"I win!" Ruto said between pants.

"No fair."

Damion walked up the stair into the front entrance of the cathedral.

"Princess Zelda, your father requests an audience with you back in the…"

He was cut short by a large explosion on top of the building. The roof ripped off, and gusts of wind. A large vortex was spinning on top of the temple, and Link could help but yell, "**OH Fuck! COME ONE!"**

He slowly felt himself lift off the ground, and blacked out.

**Just Corey: Yeah well there you go. Done bye.**


	3. Wait what?

**Just Corey: Yeah, I'm tired so um… Our weather is being retarded. Thanks for the reviews, and I'm getting a BOAT! So awesome. And we're getting a pool heater. Anyway, onto chapter three. **

**Oh Fuck, Come On!**

**Wait what?**

Saria's eyes opened slowly. The sun glared in through her exposed lids. The smell of fresh grass wafted around her, and she smiled at its familiar bliss. It filled her with a peaceful calm. Nothing could break the moment she was experiencing. Not even…

"Wake up sleepy head! Come on," A voice yelled. Saria opened her eyes a crack more, and saw red all around her, "Saria wake up. Everyone else is awake."

Saria opened her eyes completely, and a bright faced gorges' Malon stared down at her.

"Ung wha'?" She said sitting up and rubbing her eyes. Malon held her hand out, and Saria looked at it with a 'What's that for?' expression.

Malon got down on her knees, and shook Saria from the shoulders up.

"Gnah!" She said, pulling away from Malon, "I get it. Leave me alone."

"Humph. Whatever. I figured might want to see Link changing, but hey, your loss." Malon said, winking at her and getting up.

"Wait what?" Saria said, paying more attention now, "What do you mean changing?"

"Oh that's right. You slept through the whole thing."

"What whole thing?!?"

"Okay well," She took a deep breath, "Link was the first to wake up, and he's was walking around for a little. Then I woke up, along with Zelda, and then Damion, Ruto, and Mateo. While we were sleeping, a group of wolfos were surrounding us."

"Wait what? Where are they now then?"

"I'm getting to it. Now Link saw them and told us all to stand still. He opened a little sac at his waist and pulled out a huge swordy ma thingy, and ran at them. He cut the first one in half, but the others jumped out of the way. Then Link was like, "Heeya," and "Hucha," and he kept taking them down. There must have been fifteen!"

Saria was bobbing her head along with Malon's hand gestures and dramatics.

"Then at one point one was moving towards you and Link was like, "Don't you dare touch her!" and it was like, "Grouwth?" And Link jumped over you and sliced it across the chest. Then another one pounced on Link, but Damion pulled out his rapier, and rammed it down the wolfo's throat. But another got through, and slashed Link across the back and …" She stopped gasping for air,

"And Link and Damion killed the rest of them." Finished Zelda, coming over to see what the hell Malon was doing, "Good to see that you're awake."

"So then wait, where was Mateo in all this? Shouldn't he have helped?"

"He should have, but he was to busy cowering in a corner." Ruto quipped in.

"Shut up! I was thinking of a way to help them. You know I can't fight!" Came a blue voice from off in the distance.

"Whatever you say sweetie." Ruto called back.

"Ung!"

"So then why is Link changing?" Saria asked Malon and Zelda.

"Oh he and Damion are both changing. They got their suits ripped and blood all over them," Zelda said, "Link doesn't really like Damion, but he did save his hide, so he offered his spare set of clothes."

"Wait isn't Damion the guy who grabbed my…"

"Yeah, but he's really cute!" Malon said with a wink.

"But…"

"No buts! Now come on, or we're gonna miss it!"

"Wait, Link doesn't have any spare clothes. He didn't have any with him when we went to the cathedral. And where is the cathedral?" Saria asked standing up and brushing dirt off her kimono.

"We'll tell you later, now lets go!" Malon said pulling her towards the tree line.

"But… but… oh what ever." Saria grumbled, annoyed at not being told anything.

The girls moved lithely through the forest. They hoped a large tree, and used another as a bridge to cross a small river. Soon the sound of waterfalls could be heard over the droning of insects. The voices of two teenage men was hard to make out at first, but eventually they were able to distinguish the words from the rumbling of the water clashing on water.

"Listen, I'm sorry about last night. I, I guess I don't really have an excuse, but I'm sorry," A voice said. Brown hair could be made out from the waterfalls constant pounding, "I just, oh man. This SUCKS!"

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. Go say that to Saria." Came Links voice.

"Oh, Saria, he wants to apologize about last night. You should for give him." Zelda said turning to her.

"WHAT!?!" Saria yelled looking at Zelda like as if she told her to go prancing out before the guys naked. (Hey, should totally do that.)

"Oh Saria come off it. It was a dumb mistake and you need to accept that he's sorry."

"But…"

"Hey is someone over there?" Link said, wadding out of the water he'd been soaking in.

The sound of heavy foot steps came clamoring through the forest. A blue streak passed by them, and a loud voice yelled out.

"Cannon ball!" Ruto shrieked as she plunged into the water. A massive splash ensued, and water got all over the girls outfits.

Zelda shrugged, and reached down to her waist. A small bag was tied to her belt. She pulled the cord, and it fell loose into her hand. She opened it, and produced three bikinis.

"This is a fit all bag. It holds anything. Link has one too; he made me make him one after he was swept off to the place with the Majora's mask. He said something about getting everything he already had over again. He's got three copies of the same bow."

She passed a red bikini to Malon, who made her way behind a bush, and a light green one to Saria.

"It's nothing fancy, but hey, they work."

Saria smiled and found a bush for herself to get changed behind. Malon popped her head up to the Zelda striping down.

-The following is Censored-

Saria emerged from the bush fully changed, and handed her dress to Zelda, who placed it into the bag. Malon came out, and the three of them turned. They could run inot the water, or…

"Lets climb up there and jump on them." Malon said.

"But wont we hurt ourselves?" Saria said looking at them.

"Lighten up Saria. Have some fun."

"But I thought we were here to spy only. Now you want to swim too?"

"YES!" They both said, silencing Saria.

"Fine…"

Malon and Zelda started up the hill, and Saria stood there. After making it to the top, Malon looked down.

"Come on Saria!"

"But what if…"

"Nothing's gonna happen! If anything you'll screw up on your jump, and Link will catch you!"

Saria sighed, and ran up the hill. She reached the top, and walked over to the other girls. They were standing on top of the waterfall. Zelda looked over and said.

"Hey this is a little high. Maybe we should go down."

"Yeah, I really don't want to die today…"

Saria's eye twitched…

"Oh FUCK! Come On!"

"Hey Saria, wait, calm dow…"

Saria spazed, and pushed them both into the waterfall. They screamed and Saria jumped in.

"Look out below!" She yelled before being engulfed by the water. While in the water, she cast Nayru's Breath on her, Zelda and Malon. A small bubble appeared around her face, supplying her with enough air for five minutes.

They spent the next thirty seconds going down what seemed like the face of the earth.

'Why are we taking so long?' Saria thought to herself. 'Shouldn't we be moving fast then-'

She was caught off by a pair of muscled arms catching her before she plummeted into the water's deeper part. As the bubble made contact with air, it disappeared around her. Without the protective bubble, all the water came rushing in, stinging her eyes.

She gasped for air, and clung to whoever held her. After a few seconds of chocking, and being swum back to shore, she opened her eyes and rubbed them clear of unwanted liquid.

There was water still in her ears, but she could make out the slightly strangled, and angry voices of Malon and Zelda.

She opened her eyes again, now with her vision intact, and got the sun in her eyes. She shut them closed in the blaring light.

Saria, although not quite thinking first, began to kiss her rescuer.

"…."

"…."

"…"

Saria pushed the kiss deeper. Whoever it was, although she was hoping it was a certain someone, had scaly lips.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…um…not to ruin the moment," Saria opened her eyes slowly, "but could you stop kissing my gills?"

"Mh' wha'?"

Hands grabbed her shoulders and wrenched her off person.

"Hey!"

"Saria!"

"What!"

"Stop making out with my boyfriend's gills!"

Saria paused for a moment, letting everything catch up to her. Off where she had been seconds earlier, laid and exasperated Mateo.

"Wait what?"

"You were snogging Mateo's only means of breathing!"

Saria looked distant for a second.

_3_

_2_

_1_

'_Click'_

"By the goddesses! I'm so sorry Mateo. Sorry, I thought-"

"She thought that she was going to get away with pushing us of a quarter kilometer cliff!"

Zelda yelled, cutting her off, "you're gonna die you little' you little' little…"

She fell over laughing.

"Oh my goodness that was so much fun. I've never had a thrill like that in my life!"

Saria smiled un comfortably, then gave up her worrying.

Suddenly, Zelda pounced upon her and had her self on top of her.

"But never, ever, ever do that again. Otherwise…" She flicked her finger and a rock eerily shaped like Saria's head exploded, "I might slip." She said, winking.

Saria, nervous now, didn't notice Link slip up beside her.

She felt a hand on her head, rubbing it affectionately, and she looked up.

Link grinned down at her, "That was awesome. I never figured you'd be up to something like that"

She smiled, with a tint of hidden sadness, and said, "Hey, we all have surprises in us, don't we?"

Zelda got off Saria, and Link helped her up.

They spent the rest of the after noon, basking in the sun, and playing in the shade. Interestingly enough, none of them wondered, or even cared, where they were.

Link produced a bomb from his bag, and Zelda cast a magic bubble around it. The bomb exploded, and Ruto doused it down with water.

Saria, Malon, Damion watched intrigued.

While this was going on, Damion slipped a little closer to Saria, and whispered in her ear, "Listen, can we talk for a second?"

Saria looked at him, then sighed, and told Malon she's be right back.

They stood up, and walked to a small group of trees.

"Saria, listen, about last night, um, I'm so… sorry."

Saria looked at him inquisitively.

"It was more off of a bet you see. I never actually wanted to, but it was either grab some gorgeous girls, well you know, or go streaking around the castle stark, um… yeah." He said while sweat dropping. Saria giggled at him, then smiled and took a step forwards.

"So you think I'm gorgeous?"

Damion smiled and rubbed the back of his head and said, "Well sure, I mean you are really attractive, though red-heads are more my type."

Saria smiled and gave him a hug, "Well, your excused for being so erm, rambunctious. However," She said letting go, "If you ever do that again I swear to god I'll kill you!" She said giving him a big whack upside the head.

Damion got up and rubbed his head, "I guess I deserved that on…"

He was cut off by a purple object falling out of a tree, hitting him squarely in the jaw and sending him toppling to the ground for a second time.

Damion twitched helplessly on the ground, his eyes spinning in a strange whirling fashion.

"Shit! I'm so sorry. By Din, you guys have to get out of here. They're coming!" The purple object yelled pulling Damion up and nudging him forward, "Is there anybody else with you?"

His question was answered by a bathing suit clad gaggle of people now gathering around him.

"What the hell is going on? And who are yo…" He was cut off, as a knife passed by his waist, cutting his bottomless bag, and sending it flying down the side of the cliff.

"NO time to talk! RUN!"

Link looked down as his bag fell. Zelda made a grab for it, but link pulled her back.

Zelda looked at Link, and his left eye twitched. That bag had all his gear in it. He'd need to get it all over again… for the third time…

"Oh fuck come on!" He yelled, then began running with the purple figure. The other followed, one knife cutting open the strap on Malon's top.


	4. An Old Friend

Just Corey: Yeah, long wait for an update. Meh, here's chapter 4.

**Oh Fuck, Come On**

An Old Friend 

Link ran. He ran as fast as he could, but stayed behind the group. Zelda was up front, blasting away obstacles on the run, and Damion had joined him in the rear. More then once, an arrow whizzed by Link's ear, and one even made contact with him, wedging itself in his shoulder.

He gasped in pain, and Saria made her way back there. Though not thoroughly trained in healing arts, she managed to numb the pain .

"Go! I'll be fine. Just keep running!" He yelled to her over the noise of their escape.

Malon up front was clutching at the part of where her bikini had been slashed, so as to prevent it from falling off. She wasn't much use in the way of her retreat that is until she pulled the whistle out of her top. She blew into it eight times, and said some word in low hylian.

Link turned his head just to see a river break off, and Ruto and Mateo slowing down. Ruto connected eyes with him, and motioned for him to continue. This was seconded by Mateo telling him to keep running. Link and Damion continued to run, whoever they were looking backwards and caught a glimpse of a jet off water being lifted from the river, and Mateo doing a series of incantation movements. Next thing they saw, there was a huge wall off ice blocking the path they had just run down and Ruto and Mateo had jumped into the river.

Damion turned at kept running, Link however kept watching the ice wall, or more, the red blotch that appeared in the ice wall. Link guessed, and ran forward and pushed the girls behind a tree. The purple haired man jumped behind a rock having gotten the clue, and Damion had flipped his way behind a tree opposite to the girls. Link remained and he simply smiled, and said three things in old hylian, and then was engulfed in flame.

Saria screamed. The heat coming off the flames was overwhelming, but that was not what caused the strangled cry to escape her lips. Link had disappeared in the flame. He was gone. Link was gone.

And then the flames subsided, and Link was nowhere to be seen. She heard an unfamiliar cry, and peered around the tree. A man, among many other, had fallen to the ground a sword planted in his back. Link was standing beside him, about to wrench the blade from his back.

"Anybody else? Leave now, or I will kill you!"

He was answered by the drawing of swords and shields, bow and staffs. Link grinned, "Guess we do this the hard way then?" and lunged towards a staff wielder. Surprised the mage never even managed to get a spell across, and fell onto the sword now plunged through his chest.

"Shit, shit. Okay, um. We need to help him. Girls stay here. You, brown haired guy-"

"Damion."

"Okay Damion, uh can you use a blade?"

"Um, Swords, yes…"

"Okay, take this, and follow me." The purple clad figure said, tossing an eighteen inch knife at Damion. Damion caught it limberly, and braced himself against the tree behind him.

"So… what do you have in mind? Because I really think we should get the hell out of here…" Damion said, looking at he purple clad teenager. The boy pointed up the tree, and planted his hands against it. There were small nubs in his gloves, and he speedily began to summit the tree.

Damion simply stared at him, and finally sighed, "Fuck it." He turned, and dashed out of hiding, throwing his knife at one of the spear wielding men. It knocked off his helmet, and Damion swore as an arrow was loosed his way. He managed to duck and roll out of its path in time, hearing the arrow wiz by his ear. He jumped out of his roll, and punched one of the sword wielders in the face. The sword of the man grazed his sides, and he hissed in pain.

Damion pull the sword from the man hand, and ran over to link. Link, was dodging arrows, spear points and fire blasts, with great success. Then his foot hit a stone. He keeled over, losing his balance and getting hit in the back by a fire blast. He slumped over, the group of attackers converging on him. Then the purple man appeared.

He shot out of the tree directly to Link's right. He flung himself down, pulling out a pair of grizzled looking daggers. He landed beside Link, decapitating two of his attackers in the process. He spun, twisting the blades and stabbing another in the chest, while slitting another's jugular. (**Yay for science class!!!**) He threw himself forward, and rolled, severing another man's, this one a mace-men, Achilles tendon.

Damion charged, cutting down the last soldier's strike with his own, removing his fore arm. The man shrieked in pain, but was quickly silenced as the purple man sliced his trachea. He fell to his knees, and Damion ran him through. He turned towards the last crippled man, and raised his newfound sword to finish him, when the purple clad man tackled him.

"Don't!" He rasped between gasps for breath.

"But-" Was all Damion was able to get across before the man slapped him.

"Are you retarded? We need to keep him alive. Random soldiers attack you in the woods, and you want to kill your only source for as to why." The purple man said before dropping a now dumbstruck looking Damion to the group.

"Wh- what about Link?" Damion said, before getting to his feet, leaning on his knees for breath.

"Who?" Damion pointed to Link on the ground, "Oh him, you carry him. I'll take care of our prisoner."

Damion nodded, and walked over to gather Link. He was breathing, thank Farore, but his back was a deep red. Damion picked him up, and managed to carry him bridal style towards where the girls were.

Saria was on the ground sobbing, Zelda comforting her. Malon Was clutching at her bikini top, and looked a little pale. Damion entered her view, and she threw up. She gagged a second time, and wiped her lips before falling onto her back, passing out. Damion almost dropped Link.

He placed him against the tree next to Saria, and immediately began to regret it. Saria had begun to calm, and seeing Link so still threw her into another sobbing fit. Zelda, sighed, and pressed her hands against Saria's head, a white light coming out of her hands. Saria immediately calmed, and blinked away the last of her tears.

Damion run over to Malon and had sunk to his knees beside her. He checked for a pulse, and knotted the pieces of fabric of where her bikini was slashed together. She was alive, but unconscious. She was clutching her side. Damion moved her hand and the cut where she'd been cut. It was a grayish green. He picked her up, and carried her over to Zelda.

Zelda swore under her breath when she saw Malon, and motioned for Damion to place her next to Link. Saria was turning Link over, stifling sobs. She positioned him so he was lying across Zelda's lap. Zelda pulled Saria's hands over his back, and she pushed healing energy through her and Saria's hands, forcing over Link's Charred skin. It immediately turned a paler shade of red.

"That's going to hurt when he wakes up." She muttered. She turned to Malon, and grazed her hand across the cut, then placed her palms over her face, causing Malon's complexion to brighten.

The purple clad man appeared, holding a struggling man, bound by pieces of leather from various belt. He dropped him beside Zelda, then disappeared. Saria looked at the man. He was unconscious, and his leg was split open.

She placed her hand on his leg and the gash knit itself back together. The purple clad man returned, and through a large pile of weaponry on the ground.

"We have to go, now…"

Zelda looked up, "We need to let them rest we can't ju-" He cut her off.

"Listen, those men weren't just a bunch of bandits. Notice the uniforms? There'll be more of them unless we move now. I'll carry him. You, Damion. Take the red-head. And you two, carry this stuff," He pointed towards the weaponry, "Come on, we need to hurry up."

Damion, Saria and Zelda nodded and to pick up they're respected charges. The purple clad man pulled out a potion of purple liquid and quaffed it quickly. He then picked up Link and the prisoner. He turned to make sure the others were ready. Saria was having all the swords strapped around her body, and Zelda was fixing the maces and spears to her various bikini straps. Damion picked up Malon and slung her over his shoulder.

Zelda swore as the mace spikes cut into her skin, and threw them away. The purple man said, "Lets go," and began running.

Link opened his eyes. He felt the welcoming heat of the sun, then the pain from hell. He yelled for a second, then gritted his teeth in pain.

As if summoned, Zelda ran over to him. She flipped him onto his back, cue another yell, and place her hands on his back, one more, and shot white light onto the red blisters along his back. Link let out a sigh of relief, then sat up, rubbing his forehead.

The first thing he noticed was that he was lying on the ground outside a cave. The second was that he was near naked.

"Where the hell are my clothes?" He asked. Zelda smirked, and reached into her bag, pulling out some black jeans and a white button down shit.

"All I have. Sorry." Link just smiled, and pulled them on.

Damion was inside, talking with the now conscious Malon, Ruto and Mateo. From their conversation, Link learned that Ruto and Mateo had met back up with them after they had found this cave.

Saria was sitting against the wall opposite them, playing her old ocarina.

Zelda noticed his look of surprise and said, "I kept your old one."

Link nodded. Saria was playing her old tune, and Link thought he could feel the breeze from the Kokiri woods on his neck.

Zelda had joined back up with the others, and Link decided to sit beside Saria.

"Hehe, I still love that song." She looked up at him, then smiled, "You never did tell me where you learnt it." Then Link noticed her hair. It was cut short again, and held in her childhood style by her old head band. _"I guess Zelda had that too somehow. I'll ask her later why she cut it."_

Saria blushed sheepishly, "I- I wrote it." Link grinned, and she smiled. He sat beside her and asked if he could play. She handed him the ocarina and he began playing a tune from Gerudo valley. Saria closed her eyes and nodded her head along with the soft melody, surprising for the Gerudo, and slowly began to fall asleep.

Link was distracted by playing the notes, and was jolted from his slight daze by a warm thump on his shoulder. Saria was leaning her head against his body, her own body soon following, so that her back was pressed against his right side.

The purple clad man came in soon after. The first thing he did was ask if Link was okay. Then he asked where he'd learnt that song from.

"I learnt from an old Gerudo woman I helped a long time ago." The teenager nodded, and sat down.

"Listen, thanks for helping us. I don't really think I'd have made it out of there without your help."

The man took off his hood, and revealed blazing red hair.

"I was just wondering, though. Who are you?"

The Teenager laughed. He fixed his position then said, "To most people, I'm a thief."

"Why's that?"

"I'll tell you later. However, you guys can call me Gan. Gannondorf if you want to be formal." He smiled and leaned back against the rock he was in front of. He closed his eyes and missed the the expression of horror on everyone's face, instead whistling the tune Link had been playing.

He sat, and looked at them, "What?"

**Just Corey: Haha, long fucking wait for you guys. I like this chapter. Good ending on my part. Updates may be faster. Enjoy!**


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